better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
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