So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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