Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I supernannyed him into submission
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
