Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
