i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
