My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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