I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize
