Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
