I saw his package. It spoke to me.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
