I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
