How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
