my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
