So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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