remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Randomize
