How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
