Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Randomize
