Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
