The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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