I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
