Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
