I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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