So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
