I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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