I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
