Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
