so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
