put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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