He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
