So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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