Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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