Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
