I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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