That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
