how can u be prego again
my mouth tastes like poor choices
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
