Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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