You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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