We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
