I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize
