I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
