We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
It was like getting head from an anaconda
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I love you. Go after that dick
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
