You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Randomize
