you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I want her autograph on my taint
It's official drugs can't kill me
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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