I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
