if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
