If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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