You're so nebulous sometimes
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
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