if only i could text you this smell
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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