If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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