I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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