Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
